I've noticed that I always post about cheery things but hardly about-well-not so cheery things. I also noticed that I never post when I'm not cheery.
This reason being that I was brought up with the sayings, "offer it up," "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all,"and "never complain."
These are the keys to sainthood, right?
This reason being that I was brought up with the sayings, "offer it up," "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all,"and "never complain."
These are the keys to sainthood, right?
Well, these little quips haven't been working for me. I don't know about you, but I've found that if I don't relate my problems, speak my mind, or complain, that over time I build up a bank of stress, resentment, and bitterness. If I don't weekly vent my little stresses and sort through my ever accumulating list of woes, then it becomes unbearable even if I am offering it up. It feels so good to unload the heavy baggage and I wish I remembered to do it more often. It usually happens so gradually that I don't notice it at first, but as each little stress is added to my pile, I grow less patient with myself, and before I know it I'm stressed about being stressed and throwing dishes at the floor or yelling at everyone, because I feel like "nobody cares." Which makes for a confused household because they didn't know I need caring to begin with because I never opened my silly mouth to say so. COMMUNICATION. Yep. It's that simple, yet I forget so often.
I'm sure that I've mentioned before about the great book I'm -still-reading, A Mary Heart in a Martha World. I don't mind that's it's taking me so long to read . Every line is so thought provoking about the worries and burdens we unnecessarily load ourselves with. The author, Joanna Weaver, tells a charming and relatable tale about God giving us our tasks, which we gladly take up, but as we travel down the path He has sent us, we find other's burdens suddenly added to our load and thus turning the journey into an unbearable gripe fest. (Yep, that's me! ) I love the ending of her little story where God hears our cries and gripes and one by one unloads our heavy hearts and tells us the truth; that those burdens belong to others! All we need to do is take our own task and He will be pleased. This tale gets me doing face-palms every time because it's so true and I feel so silly for doing it to myself.
This being said, I've given myself a miserable week. I've been a bear to the family, and it's my own silly fault for not admitting how stressed and in pain I am. Let me start at the beginning so you can understand how it all cane to pass.
The Evolution of The Bear
OK, so last Saturday was awesome! My parents babysat while Peter and I thoroughly enjoyed a friend's wedding where I danced my heart out.
Sunday morning I couldn't walk. My hip clicked with the first few steps I took out of bed and after that it was extreme pain for each step I took. We went to Mass and I just took it easy, lifting nothing and limping a bit. After lunch I was feeling a little better and kept off my feet for a while, but once Dainty woke from her nap and I finished nursing her, I went to hand her to Daddy and put weight on my hip and down I went. It was agony! I screamed and scared the baby to tears. I couldn't get up, I couldn't move at all. I was so freaked out that I completely disjointed my hip. I spent the next few hours wrapped in ice and screaming every time my muscles tightened. It felt worse than labor (no cute baby in the end). I took Advil and the muscles relaxed enough for me to drag myself around a bit. There wasn't pain, but it felt tight and stiff inside my hip.
Monday was the same. I called my doctor and took the girls with me to the appointment. It turns out that my doctor is on leave until December so I had the PA. She examined me and said that it looks like arthritis, but because of my age she is going to say it's bursitis. She told me to pop Aleve, do physical therapy, and get an x ray and walked out of the room while I was mid-sentence asking her what bursitis is. I took the papers she handed me and left with the children to give them lunch. Once I actually looked at the papers I realized that she gave me two identical copies of my "complaints record." I immediately felt insulted, like she was calling me a hypochondriac. She didn't even ask me for my history, I would have explained that most of my complaints are connected to endometriosis. I also saw that she didn't write any instructions for the x ray. Being that I was in a lot of pain I wanted to get that out of the way ASAP. I called the office and asked how they wanted me to get the x ray. The receptionist was confused that I was never given orders, but that I could come back and pick them up. Hmm, in all my free time? Kids are now napping, then I need to make dinner, meeting with our spiritual director , then Peter had to go back to work.
Tuesday. I was better in the morning, but busy making up for chores from being of my feet for two days. I was just about to make dinner when I took a step to the fridge and down I went again in pain. I was freaking out because the girls would be up from their nap any time and I couldn't even lift my foot never mind climb the staircase. I called Peter and asked if there was any way he could come home early so I could get the x ray done and he could watch the girls. He came early and picked up my orders for me. I managed to drag around the kitchen and throw some food together for dinner. I had to hurry because the x ray office closed in an hour. Once Peter was home I drove out immediately. I found the office and waited for ten minutes before realizing something was wrong. I asked a receptionist from another office and she informed me that the x ray office moved to another building! I limped across the parking lot and was admitted fairly quickly. The gal who took my x ray was rather concerned when I yelled as she tried to position my hip for the shot. She was also confused with my orders as the papers only said "hip" but not which, or where, or what type of x ray was needed. She actually asked me if I needed an ambulance, but I had to laugh and told her I needed to get home to my toddlers. I asked Peter to stay home from his men's group.
Wednesday was busy. My joints were stiff and tight again, but not too bad. I had a dentist cleaning which ended in scheduling more appointments for teeth maintenance... Blah. I strongly dislike dentist maintenance! Stupid teeth. It's a good thing I'm big into brushing and flossing or it would be so much worse! I got a call in the afternoon from the receptionist at my doctors office who told me that my results came back as arthritis. I asked her questions about my results and what the doctor wishes me to do but she said she didn't have any notes from the doctor, just a memo saying to call me. She looked up my file and found no notes either. I felt so uncared for. She said I could make an appointment for when the doctor returns in December.
Thursday. Drama. Yep. With all the uncharitable ways I was treated by my doctor's office, I decided to diss the comfort of having a practitioner within a mile of my home and joined Peter's medical group further away. It was a nightmare. Lots of paper work. I dropped off my girls at a friend's house for a little bit so I could sign all the paper work and then joined my friend's and their kids in some cookie baking and nibbling. I was able to make an appointment with my new doctor for two weeks out. The receptionist was totally shocked with how my results were handled and asked me to send the x ray ASAP. In my mind I kept wondering and worrying about my results, the doctor mentioned testing for autoimmune diseases, such as lupus. How can I care for my children if this gets worse when I can't even walk right now? I read somewhere that hip pain can be linked to endometriosis, so I called my endometriosis specialist, but he's out until next week. I cried a lot, I yelled a lot, I apologize a lot. Sunny spent the whole week in time out because she decided to take out my lack of being able to care for her by hitting and throwing things at me, which only fueled my hurt feelings.
Friday-today. Woke up sick as a dog because I cheated my gluten-reduced diet for cookie dough and cookies yesterday. Complete freak out mode because I needed to spend lots of time in the bathroom, but Peter had to go to work early (if he hadn't reported a study he participated in, then he would have lost all the funds). I frantically called whoever was close and asked if they could step in for a bit and wrote a face book message (I was desperate). We spent the morning watching movies and the girls snacked of what food items I threw on the table. A pepto bismouth tablet soothed my burning stomach a bit and kept me from heaving. A good friend was able to stop in around lunch time and I took a time out. A soothing shower and a good conversation with Peter with tears and anger all poured out (the first part of this blog post about stress and burdens was all him reminding me what I've been doing to myself). My friend cleaned the kitchen, which eased my chores anxiety. After my friend left I felt much better. I chilled and let Sunny stick paintbrushes in my hair (a strange, but occupying pastime). I remembered that we promised to bring a meal to friends with a new baby and was just about to cook up the dish when my hip clicked and down I went again. I called my friend with the new baby and let her know what's up. So now I'm laying on the couch and venting to you and hoping that you remember the next time that you are stressed to unload it before it gets to be to much.
I'm sure that even though most of you don't have the same emotional and physical problems that I have, that you can still relate to my woes of stress and overburden.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's OK if I can't walk; events can be rescheduled, the children won't starve or grow up hating me because I threw cheerios at them for sustenance, and my tests haven't come back yet so there's no stressing that I do have arthritis or lupus or that I'm a hypochondriac. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Each challenge, each worry, can be turned into a concern and then taken to Gods feet. Drop them at His feet and trust that He will unload that burden for you.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's OK if I can't walk; events can be rescheduled, the children won't starve or grow up hating me because I threw cheerios at them for sustenance, and my tests haven't come back yet so there's no stressing that I do have arthritis or lupus or that I'm a hypochondriac. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Each challenge, each worry, can be turned into a concern and then taken to Gods feet. Drop them at His feet and trust that He will unload that burden for you.
-Michelle
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