Baby #2 week 26: THE rollERCoasTER

 26 weeks

I am sure that my belly mommy friends

can all understand me when I say

"I just want to unstrap this belly and have my body back!"

and after having such a though, I then scold myself with,

"That is not a loving thought to have about your baby!"

My psych then kicks in with a question:

"Why are you having these thoughts to begin with?"

I then analyze my symptoms... and reassure myself:

"Let's see; you are tired, sore, uncomfortable,

hungry.... PREGNANT!"

I then cry for a while because there is nothing I can do about it.

I remind myself that there are only 14 weeks left until 

I hold baby and then *smile and sigh.*

I get a boost of energy because I am reminded of 

what I need to do to prepare and make a list.

I then cry because I know that there is no way I can 

physically do these things at this point.

Then I cheer myself with remembering that it's

OK

to ask for help with things.

I spend a few more minutes crying because everyone

has already helped a lot and all have busy lives that I

hate to disturb.

 Distract myself with the lovely thought of Sunny

and baby playing together and smile.

Get taken back into reality by Sunny squashing her lunch 

over every surface she can get her grubby hands on.

Cry and vent harsh words on toddler.

Grumble about how I can ever take care of 1 child never mind 2.

Clean up and comfort distraught child.

Rock child, sing a lullaby, and sigh

while remembering how darling she was as a newborn.

Tell self that having two children to care for and

mommy is going to be great and give Sunny a kiss.

***

This emotional roller-coaster of thoughts is my constant 

companion throughout the day. 

I hope that this rundown gives my husband some insight

into my pregnant mind and proves helpful to him.

I feel awful about the few times I got raw at him and Sunny,

and either said rash things or threw dishes around,

but now that I look at my emotions in black-and-white,

it's no wonder my nerves are on edge!

I was wondering at how I don't remember feeling this way

with my first pregnancy, when I came up with my 

own answer:

 It's because this time,

I am a mama of a very energetic toddler who 

thrives on one-on-one time

WHILE

being pregnant at the same time. 

I love Sunny so darn much and  want to make sure

she is cared for.

With my first pregnancy, I could just take a nap

whenever, eat whenever, or forgo chores for a day,

but I can't do that with a little one who can't care for 

herself just yet.

While talking with my doula a few weeks back,

I was going over the birth plan from my first pregnancy

as a check-list.

However,

something felt missing.

I then realized that I didn't have a section for

"what to do to ensure Sunny is cared for

during my labor/delivery/recovery."

Just the thought of her not being cared for sends a 

shock of panic through my mind.

Of course, I know that God will make sure she is

always taken care of in any situation,

but I want to make sure that I do my best to

make sure she is going to be ok no matter 

what happens to me.

I would say my greatest fear is that

I would go into labor and that Sunny is stuck 

in her crib while I'm immobile and she would be

crying from hunger, loneliness, and fear.

This fear came from a tale of a pioneer woman
birthing her second child while her toddler was
stuck in her crib. That story really got to me.

I'm sure that as a toddler, she wouldn't remember

it later on, but as a mama,

I could never forget it and would feel awful about it.

Ways I have been easing my stress and emotions on this matter:

#1.  Talked to a friend about being on-call for whenever

I go into labor to care for Sunny.

#2. Counseling with doula about what to do just

in case I do happen to go into labor at home.

#3. Being tough with myself and doing yoga exercises

and learning to relax while having Sunny around.

#4. Going easy with myself and reminding myself that

it is OK to have a messy house once in a while if it

means being rested and calm.

#5. TRUSTING that God will take care of all of us

NO MATTER WHAT.

The last one is the biggest and most important. This even implies to my

labor/delivery. If I keep trusting that my body will do

what He designed it to, or that He will take care of all details

should my body not cooperate, then I shall have peace.

Well, Sunny is up from her nap,

just writing about all my emotions has me feeling 

so much better! 

Thanks for reading!

~Michelle